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Another Truth about painting
Of all the issues that distressed
me this last year when life jerked me senseless and while I struggled with the circumstances
that were weighing so heavy on me, not painting and having no desire to paint
was not one of those issues. It was a peculiar feeling that I had many conversations with myself about. Why on earth did I feel: (1) I had painted my last painting. (2) I had painted all I every needed to paint. (3) The passion was not gone, just over.
And most of all, why on earth was I perfectly OK knowing I never needed to paint again? Being OK with not painting gave me more bewilderment than, not painting.
The paintings that I produce were on days when I forced myself to show up at the desk/easel. I felt like I was painting only because I was suppose to.
Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy painting and I was very pleased with my paintings. More than that I was confused that I could see a change or difference showing up on my canvases. That was probably all in my imagination. So much is.
As a side note to this truth: I discovered to recognize my edge. You know, that place where you are just about to go over. That place where stress has become more than you can bare. That place of explosion.
I learned the edge was near when no matter what I was doing, there was a whisper that I should be doing something else. I would stop cooking to go put a load of cloths in and stop putting the cloths to go take the dogs out and stop caring for the dogs to sweep the floor and stop sweeping to sit and stitch and stop stitching to cook and stop cooking to pick up the shoes at the door. Vicious circle. Eventually, I got a grip on all that. Somehow just knowing that I was at the edge was all I needed to come back.
Until the next day.
Note: This is the seventh installment of How the infusion of San Miguel may have effected me which started November 19th.
Thank you, Norah, for saying what I couldn't say. I show up intermittently with my art journal, because for so long, the feeling of doing it has been gone. But, it's because other things within me have needed tending. But, perhaps, those things can be expressed artistically? Still pondering, mulling, going over that.
ReplyDeleteWow, I think I just found what my problem is....it's been in my way for several years! Time to get my head straight and make the big changes I need to continue on. I knew I was going in circles, just couldn't see how to stop and it does make the days darker and darker.
ReplyDeleteI get what you just said, perfectly
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to be so close to the edge and so distracted. I've had those "hamster of the wheel" times and it isn't fun. Nothing ever gets finished and nothing satisfies when that happens to me. Hope that is all behind you.
ReplyDeleteDarla
Sharon, darling, you said it so well. Why do so many of us identify with this? When I get into a tizz and go from pillar to post , I find i have to sit myself down and have a good talk to myself and remind ME that life is so precious and that if I just go a little slower and not doing things because as you said, I was supposed to.I think it is that artistic frenzy , the need to create ALL the time, the wanting to know "How to do it " the need to be learning new stuff all the time, because we are not 25 anymore and the feeling that time is running out. I also feel so guilty sometimes because I have all the "stuff" and need to be using it . Whew a whirlwind!!! My Mom used to tell me from when I was a little girl "Just stop and take a deep breath" I know when I hear her now from on high , that is when I am nearing the edge and she is there to calm the frenzy. This has been so healing, to read your story and identify with it. XXX Heather
ReplyDeletei understand this, i do. and again, i love that you are sharing it with others. you put a name on something that is un-explainable it seems!!!
ReplyDelete